Where to start…well it has been quite awhile. I’m sorry about that. Not that anyone really missed me on here or not, but still, sorry. To be completely honest, I wasn’t sure how to even come back after everything that has happened in the world. Especially right here in our state. Minnesota has been in the spotlight over these last 9 or so months due to some intense situations. I’m not even sure how to even describe everything that has happened besides, unfortunate. I’d like to start off by saying this post is meant to be freeing for me and to discuss what my family went through during the past protests, riots, and trials. If these discussions may be triggering for you or may bring up some unwanted emotions, please don’t read. This post is not intended to be political, argumentative, or even condescending to anyone. This is simply meant to be a space for me to discuss what I, myself and my family, have gone through.
I just spent a weekend hanging out with my two best friends not long ago. They know me better than I know myself sometimes. But they called me out! They asked me why I haven’t been on here and why I stopped. I was completely honest with them…how do I come on a public platform and pour out my thoughts and emotions over everything that has happened? I’m married to a police officer…who also happens to be in the military. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to come on here and talk about my frustrations and my fears, but of course, out of fear…I haven’t. I started this space to find and create a community that I myself was lacking. I wanted a space that would be there to divulge my emotions and give myself that therapeutic time of getting everything off my chest. But I couldn’t find the right words or time to do that. I fought with myself and thought that someone out there could in a way “put me in my place” based on my circumstances. That my emotions and feelings weren’t going to be validated because of who I’m married to. It’s what I chose when I married someone in the military, right?! That’s what I always hear…I chose this. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I chose my partner and that’s all that matters.
I’m a very empathetic person. Hello Ennegram 2’s! I have the feeling of needing to help and I feed off of other peoples emotions even when I don’t know who they are. When I see someone else cry…I cry. I cry during commercials and most Disney movies…my husband thinks it’s hilarious. I feel for other people so damn hard that it’s hard to get it out of my head sometimes. So when I turn on the tv or social media and I see someone screaming at a State Trooper who happens to be my husband…I’m beyond crushed. My husband is one of those people who lets the shit roll right off his back. I can’t. I can’t stop seeing her yelling at him about how a terrible person he is because he chose this career. I can’t stop thinking about this person googling my husbands name and finding out who we are and where we live. I can’t stop seeing spray paint on the sides of buildings saying “a good cop is a dead cop”. I can’t stop thinking about the person whom I thought I respected post a facebook picture equivalating the police to slave owners. I can’t help but hold back when I meet someone new and avoid telling them what my husband does for a living. It’s scary. I’m scared. Not for me, but for my family and my husband. But I know there are other people out there that have their own worries. I understand and acknowledge that. They’re part of the reason I didn’t want to come forward and approach my feelings. But…this is what I know and I’m speaking for the other spouses who feel like they can’t or don’t have a spot to do that.
Back to my girls. They convinced me to come back here and preach what I know! Talk about everything that’s been going on from our point of view. The riots, and protesting has impacted our family directly. Due to my husbands positions, he has been sent down to the cities numerous times as a State Trooper and as a member of the National Guard. I can’t explain to you how hard that has been on our family. On one occasion he was working the night shift and the only time we got to “talk” to him was while I was at work which meant, our child didn’t get to talk to him. Don’t even get me started on how to explain this to a 4 year old who just wants her daddy to come home. On another occasion, we had zero timeline (hello Military life) of when he would be done or coming home. He was gone for over a month. For an entire month my answer to my daughter’s question, “when is daddy coming home?” was ‘soon….hopefully soon’. During one of the times away, I had a family member send a not-so-supportive message to my husband complaining about something he had zero control over. It’s stuff like this that just eats at a person. Like I said, my husband was able to let it go…I unfortunately was not. One time I sent a text to two of my friends explaining my frustrations and me fears while he was gone. One was so supportive and cursed the people who made me feel that way and yelled at me to get off social media (another enneagram 2-she’s exactly like me in that way, and i love her). And the other friend simply said “I’m sorry.” And to be honest the “I’m sorry” just pissed me off. It wasn’t like she meant to be mean or anything. It felt like my anger and fear weren’t validated when she in a sense didn’t ‘take my side’ I guess you could say. It felt like they were just saying what they felt needed to be said because they didn’t understand. She didn’t know what to say. And how could she? They don’t have family in law enforcement…they don’t have any indication as to what I was going through in that moment. But that’s when I learned that we all feel, process, and respond differently…even to the same situation. That’s why I’m here! So I can share all of my feelings and shit with strangers and maybe help someone else out in meantime.
So where does that bring us? Well, all I have to say is that everyone has hard days. One situation can affect so many people in numerous ways. We just need to remember that one persons hard is no less or no more than another’s. We also don’t need people to take our side and feel the same way for our emotions and fears to be validated.
This past year has been intense, shitty, and overwhelming for the majority. My little family and I have made the best of every situation that we can. We’ve made it through so much and I can’t imagine doing life without them. Speaking of which, the Mr. and I just had our 10 year wedding anniversary this week! Holy my lanta guacamole as my 5 year old says…time sure flies when you’re having fun! Thanksgiving is already next week and I’m so very thankful that I have this space, this outlet, and the friends that pushed me to use it again.
Until next time, (in my worst Terminator voice) I WILL BE BACK!