It Happened, But Then Came The Guilt

My baby started PRESCHOOL!! Cue the dramatic waterworks…

This was our first week of school ever, so like you can imagine, it was emotional, exhausting, exciting, and wonderful all at the same time.

Let me start at the beginning, since Preschool would be starting we knew we would have to switch daycares before school would even start. That way we wouldn’t have so many changes all at once. Also, we have been with the same daycare since the beginning. Raegan was 2 weeks old when she met Amber, and that’s all Raegan has known for the past 4 years! We got super lucky and found a new daycare that loves our little lady like her own, thank you BRITTA! Raegan was so excited to start that she was telling everyone! So, unfortunately, due to some unforeseen sick days, Raegan got only 2 days in at the new daycare before school started, which brought us into the month from hell.

Let me be clear, first day of Preschool drop off went so great! Better than expected, which to be honest, kind of broke my heart. But anyways, it went great! Then I went to pick her up and bring her to daycare so I could return to work and that’s when everything fell apart. Raegan made it about 30 minutes before I got a text from daycare saying she wouldn’t eat, sleep, or do anything besides cry for her mama! Ugh, cue the mama guilt tears! Instantly, I left work to pick her up and brought her home because that was the only thing that was going to console this poor kid. Too much change at once literally brought my toddler to tears and her little body didn’t know how to handle it.

Like any parent, this made me feel like a complete failure. Like I put too much on her and when she couldn’t handle it, I felt like that was my fault. I felt so guilty for expecting her to be okay, guilty for making her switch daycares because it was more convenient for me, and the oh so common, guilt for working. Ugh, the mom guilt is extreme you guys! Like some day’s you just can’t seem to win, and that was one of those day’s…which turned into weeks.

We’ve been going to Preschool for 4 weeks now and honestly, I can probably count on one hand how many times I was able to drop her off without tears or assistance from another adult. Last Monday it took TWO ADULTS not including myself to get her spider monkey arms and legs off of me so she could go inside her classroom! I was 2 seconds away from grabbing her and going home! It’s so hard you guys! I’ve heard “that it will get easier with time” or that “she’s fine 5 minutes after I leave”, but what if it doesn’t and what if she isn’t?

Last Friday I dropped her off at her Wild School, AKA the coolest school ever. Where she literally learns outside and plays outside for 3 hours! What better classroom for a toddler than outside?! Well, when I went to pick her up she was in tears…and came running at me. I found out she was super emotional and was crying on and off for me the entire morning. Completely different emotion than when I dropped her off that morning. I know having Brett gone for a whole week at drill wasn’t helping either. She gets super sad and emotional when he leaves.

This poor tiny little human is put through so much and between her brain intaking truck loads of new information, she’s also learning how to handle all of this information and to be completely honest, some adults can’t handle it, so why would I expect a 4 year old to?

How do we know we are making the right decision? How do I know this is the right school for her? Or the right way to do things? I don’t have the answer’s, only more and more questions. The only thing we as parents can do is our best, right? Well, what if what we think is best, isn’t? Then what? After that first week of school I just broke down in Bret’s arms. The guilt and all of the emotions from the week just broke me. He kept telling me it wasn’t my fault and that this is just how it goes. Is it really?

Well, what do we do now? Well, we’re taking it one. day. at. a. time.

Still don’t know if we’re doing this right, or if we made the right decisions. All we can do is pray for guidance and take it one day at a time. Oh and wine helps.

Until next time,

xoxo,

Em

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