Its Mother’s Day weekend! To be completely honest, I love this holiday. I think all mom’s should be showered with flowers, wine, and all the back massages a girl can get! Mom’s are superheros every single day.
So this is the story of how I became a mom and how my motherhood story would never be the way I imagined it would be.
I always wanted to be a mom. I saw myself looking into the rear-view mirror of my “cool mom” SUV seeing 3 little mini-me’s. I’m not sure why, but I always wanted 3 kids. Could be because that was what most families around me were and I was one of 3 kids. But according to my mom, we were all unplanned surprises 🙂 Anyways, I always saw myself as becoming a mom someday. I thought moms were so strong, smart, and could do anything and everything, and that’s what I wanted to be! I saw it in my own mom growing up. So fast forward to early 2016. That January, Brett had started his 16 week State Patrol Academy Training. He was gone Monday through Friday and came home Friday night and returned again Sunday evening. During the week we didn’t get to talk at all. I had an emergency number to call if I needed too, that’s how intense this was. 2 weeks into this 16 week training, I found out I was pregnant! Completely unplanned blessing. Luckily, I peed on a stick on a Friday afternoon so I only had to keep that Mount Everest size secret to myself for just a few hours before Brett came home. That September, Raegan came into our world and the world has never been the same since. We both initially agreed to wait for a 2 year gap between trying for another blessing again.
Now fast forward to January 2019. I found out I was pregnant again! This time was completely planned and we were so fortunate to have gotten pregnant the first month we tried. We were ecstatic! We were at a friends wedding reception that night just giggling and smiling at each other all night! We couldn’t wait to tell Raegan she was going to be a big sister, the BEST BIG SISTER! If you know Raegan, she is obsessed with babies and helping with babies. So you can imagine how exciting it was to share this with her as well.
This was my second pregnancy, so like any other human, I thought naively to myself how much easier this would be. How I knew what to expect, and how to handle everything. We were around 8 weeks pregnant when we told our immediate family the amazing news. Of course, everyone was so thrilled, because like seriously, Brett and I make adorable and sassy little babies! Like any other preggo momma sitting on Pinterest in her spare time, I had the whole pregnancy announcement idea planned out, I had ideas for the new nursery renovations, I already had names picked out you guys.
Now jump ahead ahead to March 18th, 2019. The day my whole life changed.
It was a Monday afternoon, Brett and I got out of work early that day to pick up Raegan and head to the doctor for our 12 week ultrasound. This was going to be the picture Raegan was going to hold up while she was wearing the cliche “Big Sister” t-shirt. This was going to be the day we got to tell the whole world we will be adding to our family!
I will never forget the look on the doctors face when he looked over at his nurse. He was trying to find a heartbeat and couldn’t. And never would. I remember Brett just staring at my stomach watching the doctor move around trying different angles. I remember Raegan asking for a snack because she was hungry and bored. I remember the first thought that came to my head, “this isn’t happening”. I remember looking over and locking eyes with Brett and pleading with him to help make this better. Like somehow he could telepathically change what is happening right then and there. I remember the doctor telling us that we had to go for another ultrasound to determine what is going on. I remember him asking me “do you know what this means?” my mouth said yes, my head said no. Then the words came out of my mouth, “miscarriage”.
We were sent to wait for imaging to give us the final word. But I knew. I knew I had lost this baby. I will never forget the utter sadness on the face of the nurse doing the ultrasound. She wouldn’t look at me. She didn’t say anything. She just kept looking and waiting. There was no heartbeat.
Instead of going home with a cute black and white picture and a Pinterest ready idea to bring to life, I sent out 4 text messages to our immediate family sharing our devastating news. Instead of congratulations, I got “I’m so sorry”. Instead of planning a nursery, I planned a spare bedroom.
I know God had a plan for that baby. And I trust in that plan, but it still hurts. Not because we lost that baby, but because that is where my plan for looking in my rear-view mirror in my “cool mom” SUV came to a screeching halt. That is where my journey of being a mom stops. That’s where our journey to giving Raegan a sibling ended. And its a tragic ending.It will always be that, tragic. It’s not what I would have wanted, and still isn’t. If another child is in our future, then we will welcome that blessing with wide open arms. If not, then this is where that journey ends.
Most of our family doesn’t know this story. To be frank, I haven’t wanted to tell them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked “when is Raegan going to get a sibling to play with?” or “you better get to having more babies before your time runs out!”. I’ve even had one of Brett’s family members corner me at a family gathering to give me a lecture on how sad it is for me to not be giving my child a sibling. A straight up lecture. I walked away with tears in my eyes. I know she doesn’t know our story or where my heart is. But that still wasn’t her place to say such things.
But we have Raegan! And she is the most amazing blessing ever! Yes, she knows how to push every stinkin’ one of my buttons and has enough sass for an entire cheerleading squad in her tiny pinky finger, but she is also the most kindest and sweetest little human there is. This past week has been a bit of a struggle for me. Could be the quarantine or the fact that every single thing in my life keeps changing, but I completely lost it yesterday. And she noticed. Brett had to work overnight so it was just us two. We had cereal for dinner and popcorn during our movie to keep things easy on this momma. Then I noticed a lovely allergic reaction all over Raegan’s body. After a cool bath with some oils she was a happy girl and was off to bed. As I bent down to give her a hug and kiss goodnight she tells me “Thank you mommy for taking care of me”. This tiny little 3 year old has so much knowledge and awareness she knew exactly what this momma needed to hear right at that very monumental moment. So of course I started bawling and hugged her tightly. These are the moments that make being a mom so worth it. Every single moment I’ve experienced, both the joy and the pain, have made me into the mom that makes a 3 year old say “thank you”.
The childbearing journey may be over. But the Raegan journey is still just beginning and I plan to keep being to best mom to her during that journey.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms out there. And to those who wish they could be and are trying, I see you and my heart goes out to you. To the moms who cannot hold their babies anymore, my heart breaks for you as well. But Mother’s Day is a day to remember all of the moms, not just the most obvious ones either.